We all love college mascots. (Well, most of them. More on that below.) Sometimes, we even use them to pick a March Madness bracket or two. But this football season, I took it upon myself to rank EVERY college football nickname from all four divisions, that's FBS, FCS, D2, and D3, based on who would win in a fight.
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LISTEN: Ben, Jason Churchill, and Jim Oxley discuss this list in podcast form:
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First, some ground rules. All fights assume that both participants are facing each other and are prepared and ready for a scrap. Crucially, I'm ranking nicknames only here. That means I'm not giving Alabama an elephant or James Madison a bulldog, they're the Crimson Tide and Dukes, respectively.
Also, I'm not giving anyone their posse unless it's specifically noted in the name. That means "Lions" is one lion, not several, except when the nickname is "Pride". This is also true of the Wolfpack and Thundering Herd.
It also means that the Monarchs don't have their royal guard and the Presidents don't have the Secret Service. Every participant gets the items you'd reasonably expect them to have on them. Mountaineers get an old-timey gun, Lumberjacks get an axe, you get the idea.
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READ: College Football's Most Popular Nicknames
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Finally, I made the determination that golden always means better than normal, with the exception of eagles because golden eagles are smaller than bald eagles.
So let's get to it! I know that you'll all have quibbles with this list, but you didn't put the work in, so I don't want to hear it! Just kidding, I'd love to entertain all of your disputes. Tweet them @befox21 or @HEROSportsNews, whatever your heart desires.
Without further ado, hello and welcome to the octagon!
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11-50 | 51-100 | Full Rankings
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1. Comets
Olivet | Olivet, Michigan | Division III
If a comet ever hit earth, it would probably destroy all of the life, with the possible exception of cockroaches. They can survive anything. Our saving grace, as it were, is that comets generally can't aim for shit.
However, in this instance, the comet is facing off with these people/animals/weather events head on. As such, even if it misses, it can't miss (to steal a line from my guy Omar Little). This Michigan comet destroys everything, even eternal gods. [divider]
2. Titans
Illinois Wesleyan | Bloomington, Illinois | Division III
UW Oshkosh | Oshkosh, Wisconsin | Division III
Westminster (PA) | New Wilmington, Pennsylvania | Division III
Titans were precursors to Greek gods, but they were eventually overthrown by Zeus and his boys (and girls). If you can't stop a dude with a thunderbolt, you can't stop a comet. [divider]
3. Golden Hurricane
4. Hurricanes
Miami (FL) | Coral Gables, Florida | FBS
5. Cyclones
Iowa State | Ames, Iowa | FBS [divider]
6. Vulcans
California (PA) | California, Pennsylvania | Division II
We aren't talking about Spock's people here, we're talking about the Roman god of fire. Included in his duties as fire god, Vulcan had control over volcanoes and metalworking, among other things. Don't mess with a blacksmith, that's all I'm saying. Also, we may not be talking Star Trek, but I do want you all to live long and prosper. [divider]
7. Dragons
Lane | Jackson, Tennessee | Division II
MSU Moorhead | Moorhead, Minnesota | Division II
Tiffin | Tiffin, Ohio | Division II
8. Red Dragons
Cortland State | Cortland, New York | Division III
Question: who else is super pumped about ice dragon vs normal dragon on the next season of Game of Thrones? I'm taking Drogon, because he's dope. Also, that's him below. Say hi!
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9. Thunderbirds
Southern Utah | Cedar City, Utah | FCS [divider]
10. Phoenix
Elon | Elon, North Carolina | FCS
Shout out to Fawkes, Dumbledore's favorite phoenix and mine (which is far more important). [divider]
