Predicting a Super Bowl is a difficult task. Both teams are good, at least in this case. The long halftime messes with everyone's rhythm. One or two players will just be way too into Justin Timberlake to focus. You know, the usual stuff.
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We'll leave the on-field analysis of Super Bowl 52 to the football experts. I'm here to provide you with the off-field analysis. I realize I just characterized myself as an expert of everything not football, which is a lot of stuff. But for my purposes, I'm ok with that.
I'm here today to present my Super Bowl predictions based on a competition between Philadelphia and Boston in everything but football. Basically, who/what is better in any given category. If you would like to yell at me about them, my twitter is @befox21. All I ask is that, if you're from Boston, your tweets not include any r's.
Let's get into it.
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Mascot Fight: Eagle vs Patriot
This is a tough one. I'm imagining a Revolutionary War patriot, so that means they'd have a musket. Muskets take forever to load, and I don't think this clown would be particularly adept at reloading fast, so the patriot would have one shot. Only one opportunity to seize everything he's ever wanted: to shoot the national bird.
In all likelihood, the patriot would have better luck with a bayonet. All he'd have to do is wait for the eagle to get close and stab. It'd be a slow grind, but the patriot would eventually prevail, albeit with a few scratches on their face.
This could change if the eagle was smart enough to drop medium sized rocks on the patriot. Unfortunately, eagles are more swoopers than droppers, so I doubt this idea would occur to the poor bird.
Verdict: Patriots
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Touristy Revolutionary War Spot: Independence Hall (Liberty Bell) vs Old North Church (Paul Revere's Midnight Ride)
The Liberty Bell vs the place where a lantern was put in the window? Get outta here. It's obviously the Liberty Bell, right? I've never been to either, so speaking as a dumb tourist, I would much rather see the Liberty Bell.
Admittedly, I picked the locations, so there's a little selection bias, but I don't feel like I need to explain myself any further. Also, how many lanterns if Nick Foles is coming by air?
Verdict: Independence Hall (Eagles)
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Celebrity Fans: Mike Trout vs Mark Wahlberg
There are a TON of celebrity Boston fans, but I picked Marky-Mark because he's easy to make fun of. The dude left last year's Super Bowl early. It was because his son was throwing a fit and he wanted to make it clear that wasn't ok, which actually sounds like good parenting, but haha he missed the epic comeback. What a loser.
Really, it doesn't matter which Patriots fan goes up against the greatest active baseball player/ideal centerfielder made in a lab and hewn from granite: Mike Trout. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Bill Simmons, Crispus Attucks, it makes zero difference. Trout beats them all.
Sidebar: Anyone know if Lance Bass is a Patriots fan? He might be there with JT and he could be a bigger catch for your fanbase than our boy Mikey. That was a fish joke. I'm sorry.
Verdict: Mike Trout (Eagles)
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Signature Food: Cheese Steak vs Clam Chowder
Now, I've never had either of these signature dishes in their natural habitat, but I've enjoyed them both very much in other places. Seattle does a pretty mean version of clam chowder (shouts to Ivar's).
Frankly, it comes down to the cheese whiz. If it's involved, I'm not interested. I'm not about the eating plastic life, and I never will be. Based on some intense Googling, I'm to understand that the cheese whiz is common on a cheese steak, and if so, I'm out.
The ultimate deciding factor, though, was which dish I would rather enjoy in the subzero temperatures of that frozen hellscape known as the state of Minnesota. Simply put, clam chowder is both delicious and might make you able to feel your hands again.
Verdict: Clam Chowder (Patriots)
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Movie: The Eagle vs The Patriot
To be honest, I'd never heard of "The Eagle" before my quick IMDB search a minute ago. It's a Channing Tatum vehicle with a pretty lousy 39% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and is about "a young Roman soldier (in Roman-ruled Britain) (who) endeavors to honor his father's memory by finding his lost legion's golden emblem."
Yikes.
"The Patriot", which I have seen, is about Mel Gibson Bravehearting his way through the Revolutionary War fighting Lucius Malfoy (Jason Isaacs). It has a better Rotten Tomatoes score (61%), and people have heard of it, which is a tic in the old positive column.
At the end of the day, I have a hard time supporting anything Mel Gibson does, and Channing Tatum is extremely likeable in 21 Jump Street (no antisemitic rants), so we're going with The Eagle, even though there's no world where I would see it. Don't @ me.
Verdict: The Eagle
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Baby Mama Cast Member: Tina Fey vs Amy Poehler
This is easily the hardest one. I love them both, I mean how can you not? Whether it's hosting the Golden Globes together or making you laugh on SNL or starring in blockbuster smash hit Baby Mama, these two turn everything they touch to comedy gold.
That's why it's so upsetting to learn that Fey is from Philly (ish) and Poehler is from Boston (ish). Here's hoping their friendship can take it.
Ultimately, it all comes down to Parks and Recreation. That show is so freaking good (if you haven't watched it, pause this article, go watch starting from halfway through season 2, and resume reading. Are you back? Excellent.) and Poehler kills it as Leslie Knope, so she and Boston are winning this round.
Verdict: Amy Poehler (Boston)
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Conclusion
We're currently tied at three categories apiece. I totally didn't plan it that way, it just happened. Ties are super lame (I'm not writing about the MLS Cup), so I will decide this once and for all, lightning round style! Let's do this.
Mid-2000s Left-Handed Power Hitter: David Ortiz over Ryan Howard
Famous TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia over Cheers
Hall of Fame Center: Bill Russell over Wilt Chamberlain
Ivy League School: Harvard over Penn
Comedian: Kevin Hart (Philadelphia) over Bill Burr (Boston)
Band: The Roots (Philadelphia) over Aerosmith (Boston)
Breweries Per Capita: Massachusetts (2.20) over Pennsylvania (2.18)
Winner: New England Patriots
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NEXT: 13 Most Important NFL Dates for 2018 from Super Bowl 52 to Next Season's Opening Weekend
