The football season is finally here! I know you've been waiting for months and hanging on the every word of Brian McLaughlin through this dark non-football time, but now you can rest easy. There are actual real life games this week.
But what I have in mind is something much less real life but far more important: mascot fights.
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READ: College Football Mascot (Nickname) Rankings
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There are only three games this week that involve FCS teams, so I have the distinct pleasure of giving you a glimpse of what would happen if the mascots did battle instead of the football teams in each of them.
I know you need structure around your hypothetical fights, so here are the ground rules. We aren't talking about literal mascots, like the guys in the big suits, we're talking about the real life representation.
The in-season fights also differ from the full college football nickname rankings (which you should totally read btw) in that I'm using whatever the mascot is rather than the nickname. So, James Madison would be a dog, not a duke, for example. Also, I shall imagine the fight taking place wherever the game is, which could matter a great deal.
Finally, each worthy competitor gets only what you could realistically assume would be on them at the time. Royalty doesn't get servants or to buy very deadly weapons with their money, but soldiers do get their guns and pirates do get their swords and pistols (and parrots).
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If you would like to argue about my picks, I genuinely want to hear from you. I could go back and forth about this stuff all day. Hit me up on Twitter @befox21 or @HEROSportsFCS.
So put on your giant head, brush up on those dance moves, and find yourself an extra large pair of brass knuckles, because it's mascot fighting time!
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Duquesne Dukes at UMass Minutemen (Hadley, MA)
Already we have an interesting battle in this rehash of the Revolutionary War (ish) fought in Massachusetts. Representing Britain is the Duke, the highest level of royalty below a monarch. For reference, the new husband of one of USA Network's biggest stars is the Duke of Essex (Prince Harry).
Unfortunately for our guy Harry, he doesn't get any of the security that he presumably normally has in this fight. That makes this essentially a fight between a spoiled old guy (or young guy, don't want to be ageist) against a hardened fighter with a musket.
Much like the Battles of Lexington and Concord (first Revolutionary War battle that popped into my head), I predict this to be a strategic American victory. Not only do the Minutemen have the aforementioned muskets and bayonets to go with them, they stay ready to fight. They'd have the Duke running back to his manor house in no time.
Pick: Minutemen
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Prairie View A&M Panthers at Rice Owls (Houston, TX)
I won't lie to you, this one is a pretty easy call. Owls are silent killers whose victims never see the claws that come to snatch the life right out of them. Most of their victims are also mice. This is a panther we're talking about. For clarity's sake, panthers are much bigger than mice.
Fun fact about panthers before we get to the fight: there's no big cat species called a panther. Panthers happen when other big cats have a genetic mutation that makes them all black. Panthers in Africa and Asia are Leopards, and they're Jaguars in the Americas. Moving on.
The owl might be able to sneak up on the panther and get one shot in, but that's not enough to take down such a majestic beast. After that, I think the scene would be similar to the time Randy Johnson hit a dove with a fastball. It also doesn't help the owl's cause that Houston is a coastal plain and gives them very little tree cover for sneak attacks.
Pick: Panthers
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North Carolina A&T Aggies vs Jacksonville State Gamecocks (Montgomery, AL)
First of all, it's important to note that while the NC A&T nickname is the Aggies, their mascot is a bulldog, so we're talking dog vs chicken here, both with a history of fighting.
Bulldogs get the bull part of their name from a thing called bull-baiting, which was apparently a thing in 19th century Britain. It was basically a bulldog fighting a bull, which seems super mean and not at all fair. Suffice to say, the bulldog is probably still working through some issues.
Gamecocks are also fighters by definition, otherwise they'd just be called dinner. They're roosters who fight other roosters. Seems easier than a bull, but it'll still make the chicken tough, though not overcooked. Cock fighting is old, maybe as old as 2,500 BC. For our purposes, this just means they have a lot of experience.
I think this battle ultimately comes down to the claws of the gamecock. The bulldog just doesn't possess a weapon of that caliber. It has the size advantage to be sure, but without a way to wield that strength, I fear it means little. Still, I see this as a very close fight, with the chicken prevailing in a 12th round claw-out.
Pick: Gamecocks
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What do you think?
Question: Who wins in a fight, a @NCATAGGIES bulldog or a @JSUGamecocks gamecock??
My take: https://t.co/ENgfFNJdNs #FCSKickoff
— Ben Fox (@befox21) August 24, 2018
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